Saturday, July 23, 2005

Bomb Sniffing Bears

While on vacation I hardly watched TV. No internet access at all. One place didn't even have air-conditioning.

But I did see CNN briefly about the latest London bombing attempt. My husband -- who is wont to exaggerate and make stuff up because it sounds better -- told me a witness heard some pops, then saw someone running away cursing in an Arabic language. It's serious stuff, but that's pretty funny. It's nice to know the English cell is down to the dregs, which might prompt the hearty Bulldogs to taunt, "A Better Breed of Bombers, Please" -- that is, if they were as insensitive and moronic as a certain President I know.

Ken Livingston, Mayor of London, said there's not much they can do to beef up security. They could use bomb-sniffing dogs, I suppose, and I saw video of NY cops doing random searches in the subway. But then, inspired while touring the majestic Rocky Mountains, I thought of something that might be a more effective deterrent -- bomb-sniffing bears.

After all, if you get caught by a bomb-sniffing dog, you get arrested. But if you get caught by a bomb-sniffing bear, you get mauled. You're a jihadist with a bomb standing in line to get on a busy commuter train. You hear a commotion, and turn just in time to see the bear from The Edge standing over you. The last thing you see is its gaping maw -- fangs dripping saliva, the faint whiff of salmon -- as it descends on your face. Crunch. Even if such a death counts as martydom, what virgin would want to sit on that thing?

Wolverines and badgers could be compact alternatives for buses, sitting with a handler right next to the door to sniff every bus rider, immediately attacking at the first illicit scent.

Bombers would be down to blowing themselves up on the street. Bomb-sniffing vultures, with their excellent sense of smell, could circle overhead a strolling bomber, marking him with a dropping. Then patrolling attack birds could swoop down, peck out his eyes and scratch his face and hands. The attack would repel nearby civilians, while it would attract the local pack of wolves, or bears, or lions, or even baboons, which would come in for the kill.

Ain't nature grand?

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