Thursday, December 08, 2005

Jesus Hates American Christmas Traditions

I think if someone is Christian and celebrates Christmas (some Christians don't), he should feel free to say "Merry Christmas" to anyone and everyone. Anyone who is Jewish should say "Happy Hanukkah;" Pagans should say "Happy Solstice;" and anyone should feel free to say "Happy Holidays."

The appropriate response to all these blessings is "Thank you, and I hope you have the same."

If a store decides to cater to everyone, to acknowledge the diversity of American life, and be inclusive of all religions and non-religions alike because this season and that store do not belong to one group, then it should use "Happy Holidays" as a generic greeting.

The appropriate response to such a greeting is, "Thank you, and I hope you have the same."

It's called courtesy; humility; tolerance; love; respect; consideration.

The more I hear people whining about how everyone isn't catering to their one traditional preference, the more angry I get. And I get angry because these people claim to be celebrating the birth of Christ, but their actions mock him and everything he stands for.

The Christmas they want is ostentatious and loud; it's materialism run amok; it's consumption and overindulgence. And they are belligerent and demanding that everyone celebrate their tradition the way they want it celebrated. Do they even imagine Christ celebrating his own birthday in this way? How can one claim this is a Christian religious holiday in a Christian nation, and then behave this way?

Their Christmas screams, "Look at me!!! I Love Jesus! I love my fellow man! I love to give presents and smile and sing and shop and say Merry Christmas to everyone! Because I give so much, I expect my due! You owe me! And by God and Sunny Jesus, if you don't bow down to my traditions to the exclusion of all others, I will destroy you all!!!!! MERRY CHRISTMAS, DAMMIT!"

In fact, just how many of the 7 Deadly Sins are Americans urged to commit in celebrating Christmas traditions?
  1. Pride -- Presents wrapped in gaudy paper and bows. Decorations galore. Ostentation, thy name is Christmas. "Look at me, I LOVE Jesus!!!"
  2. Envy -- Outdo the neighbors' decorations. We want that thing that other person got for Christmas.
  3. Gluttony -- Cookies, cakes, fudge, ham, turkey, goose, Turducken, stuffing, etc.
  4. Lust -- Santa's Little Helper. Or should I say, Satan's Little Helper. Need I say more?
  5. Anger -- Having that hot deal grabbed out of your hand at the department store; stores not having "Merry Christmas" signs plastered all over the place; those damn secularists!!! (I just read a letter to the Editor in the RMN by a woman throwing a temper tantrum that Lowe's was calling their trees "Holiday Trees." "No, no, no!" she cried, "They are Christmas Trees!" And she won't be shopping at Lowe's no mo'.)
  6. Greed -- Christmas lists as long as King Kong's ding dong. More decorations! More lights! More more more!
  7. Sloth -- Christmas is a Federal Holiday. Napping on the couch after the gluttony.

How should a real Christian who really does love and honor Christ celebrate the birth of their Lord? I choose the Seven Corporal Works of Mercy, since they are what Christ specifically told them to do.
  1. Feed the hungry -- Your family on their second or third helping doesn't count.
  2. Give drink to the thirsty -- Does not include Uncle Dave's beer.
  3. Give shelter to strangers -- Not the out-of-town guests on the couch.
  4. Clothe the naked -- People are freezing to death out there.
  5. Visit the sick -- Hospitals are lonely places to be when it's not Christmas.
  6. Minister to prisoners -- They'll take it, too, 'cause they're lonely and sad.
  7. Bury the dead -- Pay for someone's funeral.

It reminds me of Indiana Jones and the Holy Grail. Christ's cup wasn't the gaudy bejeweled goblet, it was the simple, unadorned wooden one. Don't drink from the wrong cup. The Puritans were right! See, you can't really take the "Christ" out of "Christmas," because Christ was never in the Christmas that people who say things like "Don't take the 'Christ' out of 'Christmas'" celebrate.

But secularists like me get to have 7DeadlySinsmas and not go to Hell to boot. And we don't even have to do any of the Seven Corporal Works of Mercy to make up for our sinning.

So, Merry Hedonistmas!

Update: The Mahablog writes about how inverted Christian priorities are over Christmas. Some Megachurches will be closed on Christmas Day because it falls on a Sunday. The last time Christmas Day fell on a Sunday, attendance was sparse.

Of course, since those who attend Megachurches don't care so much about the worship of Christ as about the social experience and convenience, and since Megachurches aren't really about the worship of Christ so much as they are about the income they get from the phony Christians who attend, it makes absolutely perfect financial sense to close a Megachurch on Christmas Day.

See also:
Christmas is a Secular Holiday, Says O'Reilly
"Christian" Priorities

Progressive Women's Blog Ring
Join | List | Previous | Next | Random | Previous 5 | Next 5 | Skip Previous | Skip Next