Sunday, January 15, 2006

The Life of Sam

Based on The Life of Brian, a play in half a scene
Cast of Characters:
Brian -- Judge Samuel Alito
Reg -- General J.C. Christian
Judith -- Kate O'Beirne
Loretta -- Gary Bauer
Francis -- Adam
Goliath -- Martha-Ann Bomgardner
Spectator -- Lindsey Graham
Crowd -- MSM

BRIAN: Are you the Conservative Christian Cultural Revolution of Glory?
REG: Fuck off!
BRIAN: What?
REG: Conservative Christian Cultural Revolution of Glory. We're the Glorious Conservative Christian Cultural Revolution! Conservative Christian Cultural Revolution of Glory. Cawk.
FRANCIS: Wankers.
BRIAN: Can I... join your group?
REG: No. Piss off.
BRIAN: I didn't want to sell this stuff. It's only a job. I hate the Democrats as much as anybody.
G.C.C.C.R.: Shhhh. Shhhh. Shhh. Shh. Shhhh.
REG: Schtum.
JUDITH: Are you sure?
BRIAN: Oh, dead sure. I hate the Dems already.
REG: Listen. If you really wanted to join the G.C.C.C.R., you'd have to really hate the Dems.
BRIAN: I do!
REG: Oh, yeah? How much?
BRIAN: A lot!
REG: Right. You're in. Listen. The only people we hate more than the Dems are the fucking Conservative Christian Cultural Revolution of Glory.
G.C.C.C.R.: Yeah...
JUDITH: Splitters.
G.C.C.C.R.: Splitters...
FRANCIS: And the Cultural Revolution of Glorious Christian Conservatives.
G.C.C.C.R.: Yeah. Oh, yeah. Splitters. Splitters...
LORETTA: And the Glorious Conservative Christian Cultural Revolution.
G.C.C.C.R.: Yeah. Splitters. Splitters...
REG: What?
LORETTA: The Glorious Conservative Christian Cultural Revolution. Splitters.
REG: We're the Glorious Conservative Christian Cultural Revolution!
LORETTA: Oh. I thought we were the Glorious Christian Revolution of Cultural Conservatives.
REG: Conservative Christian Cultural Revolution! C-huh.
FRANCIS: Whatever happened to the Glorious Christian Revolution of Cultural Conservatives, Reg?
REG: He's over there.
G.C.C.C.R.: Splitter!
GOLIATH: [pant pant pant] Ooh. Ooh. I-- I think I'm about to have a... cardiac arrest. Ooh. Ooh.
SPECTATOR: Absolutely dreadful. Hmm.
CROWD: [cheering]
REG: Yes, brother! Ha ha. What's your name?
BRIAN: Brian. Brian Cohen.
REG: We may have a little job for you, Brian.

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