Sunday, July 30, 2006

Buddha Buffer Fun Zone

I don't think creating a Lebanese buffer zone is going to do much to solve anything, not with Israel, or heck, just about anybody else occupying it. It will create more of the same problem that Israeli occupation, or most any occupation, creates.

What they need is a buffer that is more than just a physical distance between the two nations; they need to create a political and religious buffer, as well.

So I officially propose with all sincerity from the bottom of my heart that the twenty miles of southern Lebanon should be filled with displaced Tibetan Buddhist monks. They're peaceful and quiet. They don't require much. They're not decadent westerners. Think of the effects the entrancing chanting could have over the entire region. For a while, at least, they'd probably just cause a lot of heads in the Middle East to tilt from side to side like puppies considering a squeeky toy.

And if that stops working, we can replace the Buddhists with large stuffed pillows, wind chimes, puppies playing with squeeky toys or some other somewhat pleasing but totally neutral and non-offensive material that will throw everybody off balance for a while. It would be best if it could happen secretly, in the middle of the night, at irregular intervals.

Imagine being Hezbollah or the IDF, waking up to find tens of thousands of kittens chasing balls of string and battery-run fluffy mouse toys. Who could you bomb that day? Not when you've got to run home to get the kids and the camcorder.

In fact, why don't we just lay down border-to-border plush carpeting and require anyone who enters the buffer zone to wear breezy white cotton nightgowns and take off their shoes, with shoe cubbies like at McDonald's Playplace? I don't suggest allowing snacks, as spills cause stains and stickiness and could cause a whole new war over who should clean the carpet. But bubble machines could be fun.

Hell, why not have it all at the same time. Ohming Buddhists, giant pillows, wind chimes, puppies and kittens, bubble machines, and border-to-border plush carpeting.

I feel happier already.

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